A few months ago, I shared my pregnancy news through a published article, “Pregnancy Announcing”.
Soon afterwards, I received some insensitive comments (from friends) in regards to the fact that I chose not to wait to share the news until we were in the deemed, “safe” zone of pregnancy. In one instance, it was said to me, and I quote, “Wow, you must have never had a miscarriage before, huh?!” And when I answered with a “No”, they bluntly said, “Yeah, I can tell.”
Regardless of the naysayers, I did continue to relish in my exciting news and also began to transition in to the pregnant ‘me’.
Fast-forward two months, my husband and I were at our first ultrasound appointment, in which we mournfully realized that our fetus had no heartbeat.
Yes, that “1 in 5 pregnancy/miscarriage” statistic that I shared in my Pregnancy Announcing article, was now our family’s reality.
I was dealt a blow that I will never forget. My mind instantly started questioning: “What did I do wrong?!” – “Why?!” – “Why is this happening?!”, and I even thought about those naysayers. . . “Were they right?”
After the initial shock settled, I resonated with sadness and loss. However, it didn’t take long for my instinctive healing process to take back control of my mind and body, bringing almost instant relief from the mindset of disbelief that comes along with this type of loss.
See, as a young woman, I dealt with disturbing distress in the past; and the process that got me through those awful times, is the same process I realized could get me past this, too.
I believe: a true testament of faith is how you handle your trials.
Sometimes when we are suffering, we ask God (or whoever/whatever we subconsciously seek for spiritual guidance) to change our situation. However, what we can’t see past the veil of anger, hurt, or pain, is that we may have been put in certain situations to change us!
So after that initial shock cleared, my spirit, soul, mind, and heart leaped towards the only place I’ve ever truly felt 100% safe in life, and that’s in my deep relationship with God.
I see things two ways, you can either run from the truth & your faith – with anger and questions such as, ‘why is this happening to me’ – or you can leap (without sight) to your spiritual connection. . . You know, the connection that may not always make sense, but for some reason its’ blind hope ends up feeling better than that of desolate despair.
Now I do fully comprehend that there are women of all walks of life & different belief systems who undergo this harsh reality of loss.
Like I previously stated, according to my physician and online scholarly resources, 1 in 5 pregnancies result in miscarriage. But nonetheless, as I read more research and journals in regards to this tragic topic, it still may be considered understudied.
With something that occurs so frequently in life, how could it be considered understudied?! In today’s world – that doesn’t make sense. And you know what ELSE doesn’t make sense? The stigma around discussing early pregnancies and miscarriage!
Perhaps it’s not until someone as famous as the founder of Facebook admits to suffering miscarriages, that this topic finally is brought to the light it most desperately needs.
Recently Mark Zuckerberg (you know, the Facebook founder I was referencing) publicly shared,
“Most people don’t discuss miscarriages because you worry your problems will distance you or reflect upon you — as if you’re defective or did something to cause this. So you struggle on your own.”
But conceivably even more profound is another of his statements,
“In today’s open and connected world, discussing these issues doesn’t distance us; it brings us together. It creates understanding and tolerance, and it gives us hope.”
Now, I shared my sad news of loss with friends and family within a few hours of us finding out. When I shared on social media, within minutes, I had private messages from 6 separate women telling me not just how sorry they felt for me, but how they “just went through the same thing”! A few of them even mentioned that they wished they had shared their early pregnancy news with their friends and family so that they didn’t have to grieve alone or hide their suffering.
Wow, right? Now I am in no way accusing these ladies of any wrongdoing, and I wholeheartedly respect and cherish them, but has our society been shaped in to a form that only the pretty and happy things in life should be shared?
I understand that there may be individuals who are just instinctively private, for their own natural reasons. But for those who think, “isn’t that too early to announce pregnancy?” I ask you, if you do announce early, does that mean you are more likely to suffer a miscarriage? Or is this taboo centered on the unawareness of today’s people that miscarriage is a common part of life, an element that is okay to be shared and talked about? I may not know the truth to this confusion, but I do know that it’s worthy of being explored.
Suffering a miscarriage is not your fault. That is the first fixation I had to distill within myself in order to survive the pain.
I ended up in emergency surgery because of this miscarriage, yet I still wholeheartedly stand behind my initial pronouncement in sharing my news from the start. And for those of you who would like a further peak inside my healing process, I will share this with you:
- Allow Others to Grieve Differently:
My husband handles things so extremely optimistic, that as an outsider & even to me sometimes, it can seem as though he is “unbothered”. But in reality, if you peel back the layers of consciousness, it’s his way of protecting me and protecting us. As much as I FELT that I wanted him to be next to me crying on the bathroom floor, the reality is that I would be much weaker if that was our story. He could not fail us, and failing us would be letting this hardship take over our life (and our precious 2-year-old daughter’s life as well). He handles grief and pain differently, and that, I now accept.
- Look for Encouragement:
Not just within your support system and in people, but in words, in scripture, or in whatever personal resources inspire you. For me, I dove straight for my bookshelf, as if it was my life raft.
- Don’t Cast Blame (on yourself or anyone else)/ Do Not Harbor Resentment:
Resentment will eat you alive, and suck the happiness out of your everyday life. Again, miscarriage is no ones fault; so don’t let that feeling suffocate you!
- Don’t Rush Decisions:
Unless of course it’s life threatening. But for everything else, give yourself time to go through the process, to discover your unique way of finding the way back to yourself (of course you’ll never be the same person again), but you can get back to a place that you feel comfort. Acting on emotions can lead us to misinformed decisions and regretful consequences. What’s the saying? “Don’t make promises when your happy and don’t make decisions when your angry?”… Well, come to find out, I do make better decisions when I’m able to critically think about all aspects.
Still, some people will scowl at those who “share too much” on social media or even in life altogether. However, I think that there are a few fine-lines in that respect. But regardless, there may be no real right or wrong; yet, there IS your duty and if you take conscious time, you will find and understand yours. My calling duty just so happens to be – being open with you guys, showing the good, the bad, the pretty, and the ugly. Because you know what, there may be a cynic thinking I am wrong, or am “sharing too much”, but there also may be someone who NEEDED to hear what I have to share, that felt rescued by this testimony!
So, be true to yourself, and those who count on you (there’s even more people who do, than you know!)
Only because of my God’s Grace, am I able to share this without hesitation.
My life is, after all, a letter. And I thank you all for allowing me to grieve in my own personal way, and perhaps you can, too, further explore your duty. . .